Breastfeeding - troubles & feats

Disclaimer: female anatomy will be discussed.

Breastfeeding in those first couple months was more of a challenge than our home birth.

In the end I am proud to have held on, as it's a learning experience for both mama and baby to figure out. We are months later and nursing is just part of daily life. It's no longer an inconvenience and there's no longer any physical or emotional discomfort. Plus, feeding sessions take significantly less time, so I am no longer drained and we are in sync, so it just works.

The female network around me reassured that things would get better, but it was tough to believe at the time. Early postpartum is taxing emotionally and physically. Even when you think you have it all under control, looking back on those moments I didn't realize how weak my body was, and how patient and gentle I had to be with it.

Early Days

The first few days after our baby was born, I was still on an adrenaline high, so the pain of breastfeeding didn't really bug me. I was so happy our little munchkin was hungry, latching and healthy. My whole body was basically numbed as I was happy post-birth. After about a week, exhaustion began to sink in and I was in a lot of pain.

I mean, everyone says the early days of breastfeeding is painful, so I just went with it. In hindsight I let my nipples get too destroyed, and would next time prevent that, by perhaps dedicating some time to pump with intention. I had just been so happy that our baby was gaining weight and hungry, so I ignored the pain.

Eventually I became so inflamed that I would cry at every nursing session. Infants feed so frequently at the beginning, plus they are less practiced at sucking so each feeding session takes longer. Each session I was terrified as Brian handed me our baby, staring at our beautiful girl as if she was a swaddle of razor blades. Yikes.

Mastitis from nipple destruction

Here's what I learned. Once damaged nipples cause enough pain, the breast tissues cannot drain fully, and this can trigger the onset of 'mastitis', which is an inflammatory condition of the mammary gland (the milk producing gland in the breast). Mastitis is usually triggered due to nipple destruction but can also be caused by a sudden stop to breastfeeding.

Chapped and injured nipples, which are common with early breastfeeding, can prevent our young babies from fully extracting all our milk, both due to calluses, but also due to ricochet pain that can zing all the way up into our shoulder blades. This pain causes mama to tense instead of relax during feeding sessions, and it's relaxation that triggers our 'let down' milk release.

A proper breastfeeding latch occurs when the baby is able to get the whole nipple and some of the areola into their mouth, but unfortunately when infants are super small, and especially if the woman is well-endowed, this is hardly possible. So early on it's likely nipples will take a bit of a beating.

Our body's immediate response to any sort of injury is to swell with fluids, and in the case of breastfeeding, additional fluids in the breast tissue, further increase pressure and the inability for milk to fully drain.

When our breasts do not get flushed, lingering milk can allow bacteria to grow. This entire inflammatory process of the breast tissue and glands- called mastitis, creates flu-like symptoms, such as hot/cold flashes, muscle weakness, headaches, nausea and increased pain in the breast tissue. It's the 'breastfeeding flu'- not fun!

For me, mastitis

I felt like I had been hit with a truck. I was walking hunched over, like I was on some type of drug binge. I could not stand up straight even if I tried. I had the worst migraine, light, sound, anything was painful. I couldn't eat because I was nauseous, and eating is so important for milk supply! It was brutal. We were feeding on demand, but each feeding was taking 45 minutes or longer, and trailing into the next feeding session by the time burping and changing was over, we were into the next session.

I was constantly in tears and eventually landed in bed, numb to even my own baby's cries. Such a sad moment looking back on it. There had been an accumulated effect, as my supply had been dropping slowly over the course of a few days as my pain tolerance was reaching its limit.

People always ask me, "how was your natural birth, how could you handle the pain without an epidural?" Let me tell you, the pain during birth was intense but well equipped with adrenaline and excitement. The pain during mastitis was seemingly never-ending, agonizing and at a time of exhaustion and emotional instability.

Our baby had become increasingly fussy since she was not getting enough milk at each feeding. There was a lot of screaming, crying and confusion.

We got formula because I couldn't move from bed, plus milk stopped coming out at feedings. I blacked out for a day, just waking up a few times in a pool of my own milk and sweat.

I am thankful for having a rock of a partner at this time, I have no idea what would've happened if I was a single mom.

The journey begins

Once my body got some rest, my nipples began to heal a little and the inflammation in the breast tissue was released. Milk started coming out a bit, slow, but at least there was hope. With the use of formula at least our baby was satisfied and less hangry.

Emotionally this was hard on me, as I never thought I would use formula. I could not wrap my head around the idea of not breastfeeding.

I knew it would be a journey to get my supply back, especially since pumping was not really working out that well for me.

With my supply dropping, my let down reflex was a slow trickle, and our baby refused the hard work associated with breastfeeding. Bottle feeding formula and breast milk was so quick and effortless. So next thing you know, she stopped latching, refused my nipple and only wanted the bottle. This was heartbreaking!

During a fragile time in early postpartum, this was hard for me to accept. I kept trying to get our newborn to latch, and at every refusal I felt like a failure, like my baby didn't love me anymore, like I might as well just leave the house, like I wasn't needed anymore, like there was a never ending supply of tears in my body.

I was so pathetic and quite embarrassed because I knew I was being over dramatic. It's just hard to get a handle of the intense hormones coursing through your body early on!

Everyone around me gave me love and reassured me to keep trying, to keep my head up, and that it was okay to just let these feelings pass as postpartum mood swings. I knew they were right, but when you are in the thick of it, it feels like the walls are caving in. Sleep deprivation is a seriously debilitating thing, it trumps logical thinking!

Turning the corner

It was probably the combination of our baby growing and just a needed amount of time for my body to heal, but we began to turn a corner, after a couple weeks.

Each feeding I would feed both the little bit of breast milk I could pump and the rest formula. Then it got to nursing our baby girl to sleep at night. Then I started to sneak in a full feeding each day, by baiting her off the bottle and onto my breast. Then we got to topping up a breastfeed with formula. Then we got to breastfeeding, but still making a bottle, just in case. Then we stopped needing that bottle of formula. Then we got to where we are today, practically astonished it all happened.

By month 3 we were fully breastfeeding again and our baby started sleeping through the night as my hormones balanced. By month 4 we had established a bedtime routine. We became synced, and even pain at cluster feedings doesn't happen. By month 5 we are breastfeeding and sessions can be as quick as 10/15 minutes.

It's truly nuts how fast things progress in baby land. I wrote this post because I want to reassure any mother going through a stressful time breastfeeding to know that it can get better and to not give up if you don't want to.

Here are some tips I tried to focus during my journey:

• Seek help from a professional- we hired a private lactation consultant who came to our home, she did weighted feeds and really helped with positioning our baby on my breast to get the right latch.

• Prevent mastitis before it happens- pump before nipples get too mangled. Get a professional pump that fits.

• Use lanolin. Hot and cool compresses.

• Don't view formula as the end of breastfeeding because it doesn't have to be. Just know that your supply will never come back unless you keep trying though.

• Sunflower lecithin is useful when you have a clog or if you need to thin milk flow. I got a powder and mixed it into a smoothie.

• Herbs- oatstraw, chamomile, milk thistle, nettle, raspberry leaf, blessed thistle, moringa, shatavari, fenugreek, anise/fennel, cumin, alfalfa, all useful!

• I started taking a herbal tincture when I had mastitis and since then stopped that, but continue to drink herbal teas- my favourite is our Wind It Down, nettles and raspberry leaf.

• Red meat, stews, soups, eggs, warmed spiced whole milk, oatmeal raisin cookies, and sourdough toast- to this day are my favourite 'milk boosting foods'.

About pumping

Once we got the hang of breastfeeding, I stopped pumping. I believe there are hormonal messages in the saliva of baby's mouth that signal to mama how much milk to produce and what nutrients to put in breast milk. Therefore the skin to skin contact of breastfeeding is important for this messaging to happen and for engorgement to balance out.

Pumping can be useful to prevent nipple damage though. Next time around I would forsure try to prevent mine from injuring quite as bad as they did.

Side note: it's important to organize your pumped milk- day milk contains cortisol, night contains melatonin. Plus, ideally baby needs both front and hind milk, since each can contain different levels of fatty acids.

All the best Mama's :)